Cupid and The Suit
by TheMollyBee
Summary: A collection of Clint/Coulson get-together fics. Each Avenger has a different plan to get the boys together.
1. Truth or Dare, Tony?

"Coulson, truth or dare?"

Phillip Coulson knew that whatever he answered would be his downfall. Tony was giving him that smirk, that signature Tony Stark smirk that breathed pure mischief. Coulson also had it on fairly good authority that he used the same smirk to entice people to his bedroom, but he didn't really want to think about that right now.

How on earth had he got here? He's sitting with smoke kind of smoking blue cocktail that reminds him way too much of the Tesseract to be healthy. It's making the scar on his chest feel like a freshly open wound, but he knows that's just the paranoia talking. Yeah, ok, he's got his fair share of baggage, it's not like any "super-spy" manages to work without gaining any. It's nothing he can't deal with, which he proves by downing the drink and smirking straight back in Tony's face.

Tony licks his lips, but Phil knows that's just to unnerve him. He knows what's coming next. He's been waiting for this for two weeks now, dammit. He knew it would happen since that very same smirk graced Stark's face that day he fell back on the traditional method of jimmying the lock on Coulson's door.

Coulson sighs "Dare, Stark."

Romanoff is looking at him. It's like she thinks Coulson is about to be dragged into the weird thing she has with Pepper and Tony. Phil does not understand that one bit. And anyway, Tony? Not his type. He has standards. Honest.

"I dare you… To kiss… Bruce!"

That was to be expected. Tony's a genius, but he's still attempting through the process of elimination. Tony's smirk grows wider as Phil turns to Bruce and shrugs in apology before leaning in and turning to his cheek at the last minute.

"That's cheating!" Tony protests, his eyes wide.

"You didn't specify, Stark." Coulson replies, his eyebrows raised in a challenge of 'You think you can get me that easy?'

Tony frowns, almost, before something seems to dawn on him, and that's when Coulson knows his time is up.

He leans across and silences Tony Stark with a kiss as he reaches between them and spins the bottle to decide who he gets to dare.

"No fair, I was distracted, you could have ninja-jinxed that so it lands on me and you get to dare me."

"There would be no point in it landing on you. I know everything about you and you are shameless enough that no dare could embarrass you."

The bottle lands on Pepper. It looks for a moment like it might land on Barton, but it suddenly jolts at the last second, much to Coulson's relief.

Tony notes the tiny, tiny intake of breath Coulson makes. His smirk reaches an impossibly large size. Coulson decides that he really should have just tasered him. Admittedly, he was a little preoccupied, but this has the potential to be really, really embarrassing.

Not that the best damn agent Nick Fury has ever seen gets embarrassed.

Phil, though, not Agent Coulson… He sometimes gets embarrassed. For example, when he decides to end several months' worth of frustration (he swears the staff in SHIELD medical never, ever go home) by locking himself in his "kindly donated" room at Stark Tower and having a little private time, only to be caught wearing nothing but his tie with his hand on his dick by none other than Tony Stark… He's justified in being embarrassed about that.

He's also allowed to be embarrassed about Tony's mission to "get Agent some lovin'" that ending up in Phil drunkenly rambling to Tony about some unattainable guy living so close but being so far away. He's certainly allowed to be embarrassed (and slightly repulsed at himself) about how Tony thought he was on about him, so leaned in for a kiss that ended abruptly when Coulson moaned out a 'B' sound.

So there they were, two weeks later, sitting on the floor in one of Stark's kitchens, playing a mix of Spin The bottle and Truth or Dare with the Avengers (and Pepper, Darcy, and Jane. Apparently Fury was invited, but…).

Right, Coulson had to ask Pepper now.

"Truth or dare, Pepper?" Coulson was glad she was a friend to him. She knew about his "cellist", as he'd had to confess all after waking up and hearing her apologise profusely for not being able to track down said cellist.

"Truth, I think." Pepper was pretty adorable drunk, as they were all beginning to find out. She had this dark sense of humour and was so sarcastic, especially to Tony. And she was hugging everyone (even Romanoff, which was so funny to see that Coulson figured he'd probably laugh if he wasn't bubbling over with tension for the next time Tony got to dare him).

"What's your opinion on Tony?"

Tony moved his attention from Phil to Pepper at that point, preening in advance of the praise he was sure to get.

"He's a dick."

Tony's face fell.

"But he's my dick." She reached out one long arm towards him and pulled him down into the weird hug-type thing she was involved in with Romanoff. Tony didn't make any dick-related jokes, just allowed his hair to be ruffled by… Romanoff. Well then.

"My turn to spin!" Pepper remembered, perking up and spinning the bottle. "Natasha! Truth or dare?"

"I'm going to skip that, and just go straight to spinning the bottle myself."

"I didn't think you could do that?" Steve protested. Huh. Somehow Phil had actually managed to forget he was here. There was probably way more alcohol in that drink than Tony let on. Oh well.

"You can't, but she's scary, so we let her." Barton said, poking his tongue out at Romanoff.

"Clint! Truth or dare?"

"You haven't spun it yet!"

"You really think it won't land on you?"

"Ugh, fine. Dammit. Truth."

Coulson really wants to be the bottle he was swigging from. Barton probably tastes of that weird beer he's always drinking. It's weird. It suits him. Phil thinks sitting on the floor like this will have ruined his suit. His tongue feels kind of numb.

"What? What did I miss?"

Clint is scowling at Romanoff. The others are all staring between him and Clint now. Did he say that out loud? Shit. Well, Tony was going to tell him everything that he'd said he wanted to do to the previously unknown guy anyway. Wait, Clint's unhappy. He isn't meant to be unhappy. Coulson wasn't expecting reciprocation, but Clint looks angry at the thought. Phil can't take a flat out rejection. No. Nope. Sleeping is probably a way better idea than staying around to be laughed at. Stupid, stupid. How could he fall in love with Barton? Stupid, stupid, stupid…

Clint Barton leans in to kiss Agent Coulson, but Phil is standing up and running away.

"I thought you said he liked Clint?" Steve asks Romanoff, who is stroking Clint's hair now his face has fallen.

"Tony said he did."

"It was either Clint or Bruce, and it's not Bruce."

"Please, it's obviously you he likes. We all saw that kiss." Clint says, his voice thick.

"No, no. I caught him jacking off. If it was me, we'd have fucked."

"That's sounds weirdly helpful." Bruce said, mostly to the one beer he'd allowed himself that was growing warm between his palms.

"Whatever. He's just run off. He obviously doesn't like me that way. I'm stupid to even think so."

With that, Clint stood up also, and went back to his own room to sleep off years of pining and now rejection.

With Clint gone, Tony raised his eyes to the ceiling.

"Hey, JARVIS, you did direct Coulson to the wrong room, right?"

"Of course, sir."

"And now we wait." Tony rubbed his hands together gleefully. Pepper stopped attempting to climb Natasha long enough to ask:

"What's got you so happy?"

"I'm a matchmaking genius, that's what."

The (manly) squeal that fed through the PA system from Clint's room caught everyone's attention.

"JARVIS, open video feed."

Clint's room appeared on the TV screen on the opposite side of the room. Clint moved slightly to the left, uncovering most of the camera to reveal a shirtless Coulson, perched on the edge of Clint's bed, looking at Clint in confusion.

"What are you doing in my room?" He asked, tiredness weighing heavy on his voice.

"This is my room. You ran off, you can't just turn up in here." Clint replied, looking round to make sure that it was actually his room.

"Excuse me for not wanting a public rejection." Coulson muttered, scowling at a stain on the carpet.

"What the… Shut up, you walked out on me!"

"You looked like kissing me was repulsive and hey, I've been in love with you for years, I can't really take that kind of blow, Barton." Coulson huffed, climbing into the left side of the bed and pulling the covers up to his chin.

"Kissing you doesn't sound repulsive, it sounds wonderful. And I would have got to do so if you'd actually stuck around. You could just say that you weren't interested, save my ego or something." Clint hissed in reply, climbing into the right side of the bed.

Back in the kitchen, Steve turned to Bruce.

"Didn't they just both admit they're in love with each other?"

"Yep. I can't tell if they're drunk or just stupid."

"Let me get this straight: we all know that Coulson and Hawkeye have the hots for each other, and they both told each other, and they're both in the same bed now, but they both think the other is disgusted by them?" Darcy interjected.

"Yes. Hawkeye's blind when it comes to Coulson, and Coulson is just… God knows."

Coulson sat bolt upright on the video feed and shook Clint awake. The Avengers, who were beginning to get off the kitchen floor, sat back down again to watch the new development.

"You rejected me." Coulson said, incredulous.

"Uh, no, you rejected me." Clint replied, lying back down in a sulk, before sitting upright as what had dawned on Coulson dawned on him.

"Neither of us… We both?"

Coulson angled his head to the side in amusement, before swooping in to kiss Barton.

"This is ok, right?" Clint nodded in confirmation, and pulled Coulson down on top of him.

"Ok, kids, let's go to bed." Steve said, putting on his 'I'm Captain America' voice so no one argued with him.

"JARVIS, record this." Tony muttered as Steve ushered them all back to their individual rooms.

"Tony! That's private!" Steve insisted, as a low groan of "Fuck, Coulson." played in the background behind him.

"That's what I'm doing." Coulson replied, nipping at Clint's neck.

"That's so hot." Tony groaned, watching the screen.

"Tony!" three slightly appalled voices said. Bruce and Darcy had already gone. Steve would ponder over that at a later date.

For now, he was considering plans to never let Tony match make ever again. It worked, but he didn't need to upset them both first.

Steve had a much nicer, subtler way of doing things.

And in a parallel universe not so far away, that's exactly the plan they went with.


	2. Blame It All On Steve

"That's it, I am sick of living amongst so much UST. We need to do something about it." Tony stood up to declare. Always with the drama, that man.

"What's-" Steve began to ask, before Natasha interjected.

"Unresolved sexual tension. He means Clint and Coulson… right?" She turned back to Tony to double check. Not that she needed to.

"Oh, ok. We could just tell them?" Tony glared at that idea. Steve glared back, throwing his hands up in exasperation as he continued "Or throw some kind of dramatic party involving masks and secret identities, god Tony, why can't we just tell them that they both like each other?"

"Because now you've suggested some kind of masked ball, and hello, we're not going back on that idea."

"I was being sarcastic, Tony! They're both secret agents and stuff, surely they'll be able to recognise each other?"

"Probably, but that's half the fun."

"What about just a costume party then?"

Oh, Steve. Captain America, you're meant to be the sensible one. Please, think about this. Steve, no, don't start making plans for a costume party. No. Steve, don't. Steve!

What followed was entirely, completely Steve's fault. Not Tony's, because everyone knows allowing him creative freedom is a terrible idea. Not Pepper's, because she was too busy to help at all. Not Natasha's, because she warned him of how bad an idea it was.

No. This was entirely the fault of one Steve Rogers.

"I like the costume."

"That's to be expected, sir." Clint snorted, looking down at his costume "You have a soft spot for the red, white and blue."

"I have a soft spot for you." Coulson replied, far too quietly to be heard over the pounding bass. Who had let Tony man the music? Seriously? (It was Steve. Blame everything on Steve)

"Sorry, what?" Clint replied, his voice at an actually audible volume. He could have sworn Coulson said something… Something encouraging.

"I said would you like a drink?" Ok, not that, but it was a good start. Coulson waited for the response, the second long pause feeling like a lifetime or nine or two hundred million.

"I'd love to, but I've gotta go. Steve said he was trying to set me up with someone." Coulson's stomach clenched. He'd confided in Steve about his little situation, and now the good captain was setting Clint up with other people? Great. Great. Awesome.

"Oh. Oh, ok. Maybe see you later?" How Coulson managed to keep his composure, he'll never know. Clint noticed something was odd, but figured Coulson was at the in-between stage of sobriety and being drunk that suited Coulson so well – it made his Coulson voice more prominent on the stupidest things. It was perfect.

"Hopefully not." Clint replied, winking and then slapping himself mentally. Why couldn't he just come out with something charming and witty and impress Coulson so he'd get to have drinks with him always possibly?

Coulson didn't reply with anything more than a raised eyebrow. Clint did not blush, not at all, no way.

"He's meant to be a friend of Tony's and Steve's, so he's gotta be decent yet also fun enough for Tony, and-"

"He? You're gay?"

"Well, yeah, sir. I thought you knew, what with me pining after you all these ye-"

Coulson gripped him by the shoulders of that stupidly well-fitting Captain America costume and pulled him into a kiss.

"I'm going to forgive you for interrupting me again there, sir, but only because of kissing. More please." Coulson breathed a sigh of relief, then carried on.

You may be wondering, dear reader, why exactly we are blaming Steve for everything when things seem to have gone swimmingly.

The reasons why are as follows:

Yes, Clint and Coulson are finally kissing, but the next morning, when Clint is making pancakes to wake Coulson up with, Steve will mention the costume Clint was wearing

This will lead to Clint deciding that he was just a Cap substitute for Coulson, and he will leave to go and mope, either in a bar or in the vents with a bottle of Tony's scotch (Tony never admits either way)

Coulson will wake up in his room alone, and after waiting for any signs that Clint will come back, "realises" that Clint probably went off with the perfect guy Tony and Steve were trying to set him up with

Steve will neglect to mention that the "perfect guy" was in fact Coulson

Don't worry your pretty little head though. It turns out that Clint is an idiot when drunk, so he drops from the vent into Coulson's office in Avenger's Tower and proceeds to sob onto Coulson's shoulder about how much he likes Coulson and why won't Coulson like him back?

Coulson likes him back.

But as it's really Steve's fault that they got into a hitch so early into their relationship, he shouldn't get to be best man instead of Tony. Or so Tony says anyway.

Natasha says that she would have got them together with much less drama.


	3. Tasha the Tactician

As soon as Natasha realised that Coulson was revaluating his opinion on Clint, Natasha set her plan to work.

It was just after Coulson had recovered enough to be released from hospital, and after Clint had calmed down enough so that Fury would allow him back in the country without fearing an arrow in his face. She'd been waiting for this for years, the plan had been set up ever since she realised she was standing as third wheel to a couple who had no idea they were so (read: four minutes after she met them).

It had been put on hold once she realised that Phil was unwilling to chance anything and risk his job for someone who didn't even like him, not in that or any way. It wasn't destroyed completely as Natasha knew that Clint liked him very much, and in that way also.

So here they were: years of sexual tension later, with Phil coming to the conclusion over breakfast one morning (because he'd been practically forced into the tower once Stark had seen his apartment, and Clint's pancakes were the best things ever) that perhaps Clint was more than worth the risk.

Then we see Clint grinning at Coulson's thinking face, and Coulson deciding that there was no way anyone so perfect could ever like him.

And so Natasha locked them both in a closet. Literally.

Clint had never been particularly fond of enclosed spaces, so was a little preoccupied with not having a panic attack to break the sexual tension or even pay attention to a concerned Coulson breaking the closet down to cart him out.

And then Clint was so mortified at someone knowing his secret that he avoided the tower and everyone in it for three weeks, until Coulson tracked him down and brought him back. And even then, it took their car breaking down in the middle of nowhere for them to get their acts together.

Oh, Natasha, don't fret. These two are just incredibly difficult to get together. It would take a fairy godmother equivalent to make them run smoothly.

And that's where Pepper Potts comes in.

* * *

**Apologies that this one is so short. The next one will be longer, I promise! R&R!**


	4. A Present From Pepper

"Phillip." Coulson turned his head away from Supernanny to see Pepper Potts standing and glaring at him. He straightened up and stood to face her.

"Oh god. I'm sorry, Pep." He hadn't seen her since getting out of hospital, and he'd only called once or twice while in there, and now they were living in the same building and he had been there two days and he hadn't popped by to say hi. Bad friend, Coulson. Bad friend.

"Sorry is not good enough. I thought we were friends." Pepper replied, her bottom lip sticking out a little in what seemed to be half sarcastic pout, half my-lip-is-wobbling-because-I'm-about-to-cry.

"What? We are! What… What are you talking about? I'm sorry for dying a little bit, if that's what-" Flustered, Phil made to apologise, but she stopped him with a warning glance. Pepper can be damn scary when she wants to be. Phil isn't any less badass for being a little bit terrified of her sometimes.

"It's not that, well, not just that, but we'll get to that later. No, I'm upset with you because after convincing Tony to track down your cellist, I find there is no one who matches the description you gave. Not even close. You need to explain yourself."

"Why does Coulson need to explain himself?" Clint said, walking into the room. Great, Coulson thought. Time for publicly embarrassing Coulson because he's sad and can't get a girlfriend.

"He made up a fake girlfriend." The idea was sounding more and more stupid every time it got mentioned, and oh god the confused smirk Clint just pulled was going to haunt him until the day he died.

"Why? I thought you had that cellist, sir. What's her name. That one?" Four damn years and he doesn't care to remember a name. Four years.

"She's the one who's made up." Pepper supplied, as Phil wasn't breaking his poker face with his glare trained on the door behind Clint.

"Shit! Coulson, you've been lying to us for like, four years or something? 'Tasha is going to kill you. We're meant to be bros!" Barton protested, sounding… sounding like he was actually outraged that Coulson didn't tell him something.

"We're not 'bros', Barton. And actually, Natasha knows that I made Penelope up." Which translated as "We are bros really but I'm a professional so we'll stick with colleague whilst I'm getting my ass handed to me."

"Why would you tell Tasha and not me? Even if we're not bros, I still thought we were pretty close, boss, or does all that coffee I brought you mean nothing anymore?" Clint actually sounded upset. Well, Clint, there's a reason I didn't tell you, and that reason is called 'Clint doesn't care about that time we kissed in Budapest so I need to have a stable relationship to make him jealous'. It may be a slightly shitty reason after four years, but it's a reason nonetheless.

"Oh. I will see you guys later, I need to call… Tony." Pepper's eyes were wide. Did Stark build her a mind reading robot attachment thing? Did he say anything out loud? Shit shit shit shit shit.

"Tony's just upstairs..?" Clint replied, gesturing lazily and sounding confused when he realised she was calling him from one floor below.

"I meant Rhodey. About Tony." Pepper added hastily "Bye you two."

"That was odd." Clint said, a beat after she had left.

"Tell me about it."

"So… Do you wanna tell me why you made up a fake girlfriend for four years?"

"Shut up, Barton. You're not my therapist."

"So you don't deny it? Aha!" Clint's phone buzzed on the table, Phil's following soon after. They reached for them simultaneously.

"What the-"

* * *

"I meant Rhodey. About Tony. Bye you two."

Pepper exhaled as the doors to the elevator closed behind her. Letting out a small giggle, she spoke up.

"JARVIS?"

"Yes, Miss Potts?"

"Can you edit together any footage you have of Phil looking at Clint or vice versa for me please?"

"Done. What would you like me to do with it?"

"Hm. Is there footage from both sides? Phil looking at Clint AND Clint looking at Phil?"

"Yes, Miss Potts. They seem fairly infatuated with each other, I've been monitoring their heart rates in each other's presence, and-"

"Oh! Can you add some of that data in too?"

"Editing complete. Have you decided what is to be done with it yet?"

"Yes thank you JARVIS. Can you send it to both of them for me please?"

"Done. I must say, Miss Potts, that this is very crafty of you and has made you grow even higher in my expectations."

"Aw, thank you JARVIS. Sometimes it's hard to believe Tony made you."

_(We're going to skip the rest of this conversation, dear reader, because despite how much we all love Tony and JARVIS and Pepper, we need to get back to the plot)_

* * *

"What the-" Clint asked, squinting at his phone. Why Stark had to overcomplicate his phone, he had no idea. Probably as he refused to use a Starkphone, actually. Ugh. Anyway.

"It looks like a video montage. Did we get the same, from Pepper?" Coulson asked. Clint nodded.

"Okay. JARVIS, can you play it on the TV screen please?"

"It would be my pleasure, Agent Coulson. Good luck."

"Good luck? What are you wishing me luck for?"

JARVIS didn't reply, just dimmed the lights and began to play the video, which had Seal's 'Kiss From A Rose' playing quietly in the background.

Coulson and Clint both looked at each other and laughed, just as the first image loaded up.

"Aw, boss, you're checking out my ass in slow motion, how cute!" Coulson was glad that it was too dark to see the blush staining his cheeks.

"You can talk, Barton. You're practically salivating over my arms there."

Clint didn't reply, and after about forty more seconds of clips flicking between them, he turned to face Coulson.

"Sir, this may be a little presumptive, but I… Do you like me?"

"That…" don't say classified don't say classified I swear to god Phil if you would just listen to me "That depends on whether or not you like me."

Clint grinned, and moved in for a kiss. Tugging on Phil's lip as he pulled back, he laughed.

"Yes, I think I do."

And that, dear reader, is why Pepper Potts (with a little help from JARVIS) could match make professionally if she wanted to. If only Bruce Banner had taken lessons from her in his attempts to set Clint and Coulson up. Oh, if only.


End file.
